Feb 248 min read

Relationship Over Rigour

Disclaimer: I have been so concerned to use this title for this blog. In no way do I mean to imply that we shouldn’t have a rigorous education. Charlotte Mason’s way of educating is rigorous, and she schooled six days of the week. My concern is not that we do away with the rigour, both in our own Mother’s education, and in the lives of our children, but that we do not allow the rigour to stop the relationship building in all its spheres.

It has been astonishing for me to hear over the last few weeks, how many times and in how many circles the themes of “ordering our private worlds,” the spiritual disciplines, “slowing down for a greater good,” and “eliminating hurry” have come up. It seems as if we are all desperate for a different pace and way of life. I often find that the Lord is moving in this way, and we are being called to be obedient in that area.

Last month, Angelique and I both posted blogs on this theme. We live in different countries and hadn’t spoken to each other over December, and yet this is what God has been highlighting for both of us. My main emphasis for this month’s blog however, is to use those disciplines to allow us more freedom and connection within our relationships than the constant need to check things off a list and make sure that we have done things perfectly.

As Michelle Tillis Lederman observed, “Building relationships is not about transactions -it’s about connections.” It has certainly been my experience that if I am too busy, and too quick to rush to the next task, subject or event to just “get them done,” I often miss the connections for myself and with my children. We must be cautious both for our own sake and for our children’s sakes, to intentionally slow down, and take the time, to allow for relationships to be built in your own heart and mind, between subject matter and between human connection.

As I had considered what Bible passage to include this month, I was reminded of how Jesus was never hurried, harassed or impatient with the people He encountered. We see Him make time to sit with the children, to attend to the sick or needy. He had compassion on those He came into contact and knew what His mission was every day. This came from a deep and intimate walk with His Father.

Relationship with God

We will never get the ordering of our lives correct, unless we too, prioritise this relationship first and foremost. It has been said so often, but we cannot pour from an empty cup, and we cannot give relationship to others that we ourselves have not been steeped in and loved into. My prayer for all of us, Mama, is that we will cease from the striving, the guilt, the shame, and the burden that motherhood may bring, and rest in our knowledge that we are radically loved, accepted and affirmed, not because of who we are, but because of who He is, and how He has made the way for us to be in deep relationship with Him always. I pray that we would celebrate, instead of denigrating our differences, our quirks and our “personhood,” as they were created in His image, by His clever plan.

For any relationship to be strong, requires time and attention. Let us start here, as we order our worlds. A relationship with the Lord will help us to prioritise the other demands that we have and we will be able to see what is good to give ourselves to, and what can be put off. He also helps us to clearly see that we have limits, we are finite and these must be embraced to lead a full and fulfilling life in Him. This is also where those spiritual disciplines rear their heads again: we can take a Sabbath Rest to remind us that God is God and we are not. We need pattern and pace, and rest, and trust in Him that He is working even when we cannot. Above all, let Him be the focus and centre of all we do, and everything will work easier for us. The hardships will still come, but we will know that He is with us, that our steps are ordered by Him and that His ways are our ways too.

Relationship with Ourselves

One of the unexpected , gorgeous “side-effects” of becoming a mother who follows Charlotte Mason’s philosophies is that she so highly prized the work of the mother and often encouraged mothers to be thinking, reading and exposing themselves to new ideas and concepts. This wasn’t just an education for children, but for all involved. This has certainly been the case for me as I have educated my own children.

But most of us have little chance of seeing men and things on a wide scale, and our way to an instructed conscience is to read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest. We must read novels, history, poetry, and whatever falls under the head of literature, not for our own ‘culture.’ Some of us begin to dislike the word ‘culture,’ and the idea of a ‘cultivated’ person; any effort which has self as an end is poor and narrow. But there is a better reason for an intimacy with literature as extensive and profound as we can secure. Herein we shall find the reflections of wise men upon the art of living, whether put in the way of record, fable, or precept, and this is the chief art for us all to attain. – Charlotte Mason Vol 4, pg 70.

As we are so good at doing with our children, we must put ourselves in “the way of things worth observing."(Charlotte Mason) We cannot live our lives closed off, but must again take time and effort to be outside observing nature, for ourselves, and we should be doing this when our children are with us, and when they are not. “What we digest we assimilate, take into ourselves, so that it is part and parcel of us, and no longer separable”. -- Charlotte Mason Vol 4 pg 72.

“Let each of us undertake the patient, unflagging, day-by-day observation of the behaviour of sparrow, spider, teazel, of clouds or winds, recording what we ourselves have seen, correcting our records as we learn to be more accurate, and being very chary of conclusions. All we find out may be old knowledge, and is most likely already recorded in books; but, for us, it is new, our own discovery, our personal knowledge, a little bit of the world’s real work which we have attempted and done.” -- Charlotte Mason Vol 4 pg 101-102

The relationships that we make become who we are. So too with our reading. We need to be reading good, powerful, life-changing books. This doesn’t always look like a laborious natural history journal, but relations may also be made in a simple novel. We must read widely and in various genres to widen and enrich our feast. On the Ambleside Online website, one can read about what the PNEU offered as their “The Mother's Educational Course.” These are the main areas of reading, and some good places for us to start with our own reading schedules:

Firstly. Divinity. "To help mothers to give their children such teaching as should confirm them in the Christian religion."

Secondly. Physiology and Health. "To give the knowledge necessary for the care and development of children in sickness and health."

Thirdly. Mental and Moral Science and Education. "To show the principles of education, and methods based on these principles.

Fourthly. Nature Lore and the Elements of Science. "To enable mothers to awaken their children's interest in Nature, and to give them their first ideas."

Relationship with Our Children

Part of what was included in the Mother’s Educational Course outline was as follows: “One of the greatest difficulties of women living at home is that of securing consecutive hours of work; for our lives (especially lives lived in towns) are very full of interruptions and conflicting duties. Sage Parnassus: Women as Persons

“If it is true, as has been said, that "a mother is only a woman, but that she needs the love of Jacob, the patience of Job, the wisdom of Moses, the foresight of Joseph, and the firmness of Daniel," we mothers are greatly in need of support; and I hope to show that, small as the means may seem, yet this course of reading really does give most efficient help to mothers who wish to reach forward to their high vocation.”

It is true that our days are filled with interruptions and conflicting duties, but let us find joy in what we are building, Mama. Many of us chose to stay at home and educate our children for a plethora of reasons, but, chief among them all, is the time it affords us with our children, time to spread the feast wide and to be so hands on in what is laid before them. May we now not choose to be so distracted by the subject matter, the housework, the never-ending meal preparation, the extra-murals, that we lose sight of the important treasure of being in relationship with our children.

As Miss Mason reminds us, “Education is the science of relations,” and we cannot not be diligent in placing many wonderful morsels in front of our children in order for them to make their own relations. Yet, at the heart of all this, is relationship to God, and relationship to others too.

Let us all slow down and focus on that which is most important. My prayer for us, Mamas, is that this year is the year, where we draw near to the Lord and that He orders our worlds around Him and the things that are important to Him. I pray that we would all prioritise loving people over getting things done, and that when tasks do need to be fulfilled, He will lead us to executing them in an orderly and intelligent way, for maximum impact and effectiveness.

If you have enjoyed this blog, I would love to connect with you. You can find me on the Alveary Grove Hive or on Instagram at doyle_diaries. You can also hear me on the AG podcast with Sarah Spring. I would also love to hear your books suggestions, so send me a DM or we can start a conversation on the Alveary Grove "Hive".

Further Reading and Mother Culture Ideas from our AG Team

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Habits of the Household: Practicing the Story of God in Everyday Family Rhythms. Justin Whitmel Earley

The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry. John Mark Comer

The Lifegiving Table: Nurturing Faith through Feasting, One Meal at a Time. Sally Clarkson

The Lifegiving Home - Creating A Place Of Belonging & Becoming. Sally Clarkson

Parenting: 14 Gospel Principles. Paul David Tripp

Loving Our Kids on Purpose-Making a Heart to Heart Connection. Danny Silk

The Practice of the Presence of God. Brother Lawrence

The Pursuit of God. A.W.Tozer

Disciplines of a Godly Woman. Barbara Hughes

Love after Marriage. Barry and Lori Byrne